Posted by: Ask Arden | December 17, 2009

Miscarriage

Hope you find my video informative.

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Responses

  1. Let me start by saying thank you for mentioning the men’s side of th grieving process. No one ever talks about it and it has been hard to find you. My girlfriend miscarried in August 2009 at 23 weeks and in a way to be strong to nurture her, I decided to hide my pain so I would not remind her of our loss. I put up with her anger thinking it would pass. Towards the end I blew up on her, I’m not perfect and it’s my first experience but she moved back to her mom’s and she started going to church to heal. The pastor put his hand on her forehead and prayed for her in front of the congregation and now she is somebody else. In November, we thought we were pregnant again. We had been trying again because she told me she wanted to have a baby and a family with me. Her last period was September 30, her breasts were really swollen and tender, she was nauseaous and she told me she felt pregnant again. On November 30, she had an urine and blood test. On December 3, she was given the results by phone and she told me they came back negative. This hurt even more knowing she was not pregnant again! That was the first time I saw her in person since November 5. Our biggest mistake was not to talk about our loss. My little girl to whom I gave the nickname Loosita and with whom I planned to play with and do so many different things is gone. I even had a vision of how she would look at 3 years old and it kills me she’s gone. Now I have lost my girlfriend to her family, friends and the church. I lost the two most important women in my life. The last time I spoke to her, I tried to talk about our Loosita and she said she would probably mention her later in life but she could not talk about her right now. She has so much anger inside her and I blamed myself for not being there for her so she could feel better but she said she forgave me and to stop blaming myself. I asked her if she wanted to work things out and she said yes but she does not know what she wants. She wished she could explain to me but it’s too hard right now! At this point I feel I am the last person she cares about in her life. 4 days ago I asked her if she wanted to work things out, she said yes. I asked if she had feelings for me, she said yes but she told me the way I could help her feel better is if I do not sound so sad over the phone. Since we do not have personal contact anymore and I could not hide my feelings anymore, I decided to give her her space. I cannot continue to just have a telephone and texting relationship. I do not know if why she is avoiding personal contact but I cannot keep on hanging on, trying to communicate when she does not want to communicate in person with me. Now that I found out what went wrong in our relationship after watching your video. I want to contact her and make her aware about this but I feel like I would be going back on my word about allowing her space and I won’t do that. I will let her be with her family and friends for the holidays and if she contacts me I will let her know about this, otherwise, I will continue with my double grieving until it does not hurt anymore. Bytheway, for info, it started hurting really bad before the first week of December, this is the week when my Loosita was to be born and it has been hurting more and more since then. I always wanted to have a little girl and my son from my previous marriage (16 years old) always wanted to have a sister. My son really loved my girlfriend and she really loved him too. This is the first time a girlfriend of mine really cared about my son and viceversa. This makes it hurt even more. I took the last two weeks of the year off from work because I need to concentrate on my healing. Please do not post this letter but PLEASE do make it more known to the world, that us men bottle up our feelings trying not to upset our better halves by trying not to remind them of our loss. This is the biggest mistake because we are suffering inside and we don’t want to look weak to them just to help them through the grieving process because we love them and we don’t definely don’t want them to suffer. This is wrong but we do not have the experience and we do not know what to do. Now I have it and I wonder how many couples have broken up because of this. It’s really sad! I really love my girlfriend and I worked so hard on our relationship. It has been hard but knowing what went wrong helps a little bit. If I had it to do all over again, I would really show her my feelings to avoid this double tragedy. I wish I had this information when we lost our Loosita!
    Thank you soo much for putting this information out, it is more important than people think. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy Prosperous New Year!

    GR

    • Hi I found your comment, but I will not post it. Let me read it tomorrow and I will e-mail you.
      Much Blessings to you and your girlfriend.
      Arden

  2. Take a look at my video on dealing with the pain and loss of experiencing a miscarriage.
    You will feel not alone in your pain and confusion. I hope you will feel heard and understood.

    There are some tips and suggestions for your husband as well.

    Take tender, loving care of your self and body.

    Have the faith that you will be able to conceive in time once your body fully heals.

    Much love and blessings,

    Arden


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